they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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