i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
