mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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