Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
