I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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