his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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