You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
