but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
