recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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