im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
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Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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