I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
