It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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