how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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