I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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