I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
