Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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