I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
