Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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