i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
