it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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