I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
