a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
