I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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