dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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