my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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