Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?