Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
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I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
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Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING