hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
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i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.