i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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