I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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