we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
