Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
