he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
