Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."