I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕