I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Your cock deserves a montage
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
