Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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