When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
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Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
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He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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