Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
