i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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