Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
