I will die if light touches me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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