oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
