She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
