Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
