and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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