there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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