Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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