Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
