your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize