So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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