I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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