would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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