he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
