dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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