Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
